It’s been 23 days since I went into hospital with chest pains and breathlessness. I’m still really suffering with the symptoms and I feel unusually upset about it.
I finally got out of bed at 12.30 pm today, simply because I couldn’t get up any earlier. Every part of me felt beaten and bruised and my body just felt too heavy to move. I lay there feeling teary and my day hadn’t even started.
This has basically been my life for months. When you have chronic pain, you can go a long time without thinking about it. It just is. But then there are times like now when you feel like your future has been completely decided without you. I honestly feel that this could be a permanent baseline for me and pain will be the most constant part of my life. I feel alone and so frightened and it’s a constant battle in my head as to wether I should be strong and continue to fight or completely rethink my lifestyle and aspirations.
I think I’m struggling more so than usual because I’ve been to so many medical appointments recently and I’ve probably spent more time with doctors than my actual friends! My painkillers are stronger and I’m taking more of them. I’m also not sleeping and I don’t have much motivation to take care of myself.
Pain and fatigue has taken over my life and it just seems like I’ll never be rid of this feeling. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think it’s time to sit down with the therapist again. I see so many doctors about the physical aspects of my disease but I can see that my mental and emotional health may need some attention right now.
Sorry for the downcast update but this is the reality of a chronic illness like lupus; sometimes the pain just gets to you.
Thanks so much for reading
Until next time
xoxo
sickoflupus 