Now, this is a huge concept to fit into a short blogpost but recently, I’ve been going over and over this in my head.
To clarify, I’m not asking “why me?”, I never ask that. I’ve just reached a point where the contrast between my life and those close to me has never been more evident.
This blogpost was inspired by a quote someone shared on Facebook. It was an emotional quote to see, although it’s something I think about a lot. There was something that made me stop and think, “This is really sad. But how could I have known?”
If you’ve been reading the blog for a while, you’ll have seen me write about letting go of a life I thought I’d have and how much I’ve struggled with this. I’ve also written about the positives that can come from a bad situation, those things that hopefully make you a better person.
Although it hasn’t happened for a while, on the days where I’d be having one of my ’emotional episodes’, I’d ruminate about what could have been. I’d create a picture of the life that I honestly believed I would have if I didn’t have Lupus:
– I’d never have gained steroid weight and seen my entire body change.
– I’d be working in the industry I studied to be in and dreamt I’d be in.
– I wouldn’t need to rely on medication to stay alive.
– I’d be married/with the person I saw myself marrying.
– I’d have atleast one child.
– I’d have travelled, just like I intended to.
– I’d be 100% financially independent.
– I’d never have dealt with fatigue, anxiety or clinical depression.
– I’d be mirroring the life stages of my friends who are my age.
– I’d never have spent so much of my life crying.
– I’d never have lost my twenties to illness.
– I wouldn’t be ashamed of the multiple things I’m ashamed of.
– I’d be happy.
It used to tear me to pieces when I’d let my emotions get the best of me. I’d cry in that way where you can’t breathe and your face aches from crying. I’d blame Lupus for every failure and disappointment in my life because everything changed for me after my diagnosis.
I wanted to get this blogpost out before the end of the year because it’s inevitable that we’ll be looking to 2016 with hope and expectations. In the last few months, I’ve relied on medication to stabilise my mood and I’ve noticed that I’m able to cope in a way I haven’t before. Although not for everyone, I credit the meds for helping me gain a better perspective and to better manage my issues.
I’ve learned that one of the hardest things to think about is, “what if I didn’t have Lupus?” It’s a brutal question and there’s really no good that can come of it. I DO have Lupus. It’s real, it’s frightening and every single day is a challenge. All I can do is try to build a life that isn’t always a compromise and to enjoy the experiences that come my way.
2016 is one day away and I’m happy to be saying goodbye to this year. I’m not discounting the amazing, beautiful, hilarious and enriching moments that have happened but in some ways, it’s been one of the toughest years of my life.
I’m nervous for more hospital treatment in 2016 but it’s out of my hands. I’ve been set a tremendous goal of trying to reduce my steroids (doctors orders) alongside body reconditioning.
To balance out the health stuff , I’ll be officially launching my business and working as a freelancer. I’m so excited to have something that is mine and mine alone; something that gives me instant gratification, purpose and control.
It’s so sad that a life you thought you’d have will never be – all because you got sick. But truthfully, the only option we have is to keep fighting and to create the (new) life we want, IN SPITE OF LUPUS.