When the Pain Gets To You

http://www.sickoflupus.co.uk

It’s been 23 days since I went into hospital with chest pains and breathlessness. I’m still really suffering with the symptoms and I feel unusually upset about it. 

I finally got out of bed at 12.30 pm today, simply because I couldn’t get up any earlier. Every part of me felt beaten and bruised and my body just felt too heavy to move. I lay there feeling teary and my day hadn’t even started. 

This has basically been my life for months. When you have chronic pain, you can go a long time without thinking about it. It just is. But then there are times like now when you feel like your  future has been completely decided without you. I honestly feel that this could be a permanent baseline for me and pain will be the most constant part of my life. I feel alone and so frightened and it’s a constant battle in my head as to wether I should be strong and continue to fight or completely rethink my lifestyle and aspirations. 

I think I’m struggling more so than usual because I’ve been to so many medical appointments recently and I’ve probably spent more time with doctors than my actual friends! My painkillers are stronger and I’m taking more of them. I’m also not sleeping and I don’t have much motivation to take care of myself. 

Pain and fatigue has taken over my life and it just seems like I’ll never be rid of this feeling. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I think it’s time to sit down with the therapist again. I see so many doctors about the physical aspects of my disease but I can see that my mental and emotional health may need some attention right now. 

Sorry for the downcast update but this is the reality of a chronic illness like lupus; sometimes the pain just gets to you. 

Thanks so much for reading 

Until next time

xoxo

Happy Pills – My Update

http://www.sickoflupus.co.uk

Hello!

Let’s just jump in!

So it’s been a good few months since I took my first ever ‘happy pills’ or as everyone else knows them, antidepressants. For those who are interested, I’m on Citalopram. I’ve never seen any shame in taking antidepressants, I’ve seen them help so many people. 

I wrote a blog about why I started taking them (see blog archive) due to how hopeless I felt. I was rushed onto them after finding myself in a truly awful situation. I could see how my emotions and my behaviour was breaking my mother’s heart and I knew I had to do something.

My GP warned that things would get worse before they got better but actually, I saw a change pretty quickly. I took my tablet at the same time everyday and this routine in itself made me feel better. It could have been a placebo effect for all I knew but I was feeling better so I didn’t care. 

After a few days, it occurred to me that I hadn’t cried. Only I know how I am behind closed doors and it was normal for me to cry most days. 

Being on Citalopram has come with a few issues however. I’ve needed a ECG because apparently it can impact the heart. I’ve also had to stop taking ibuprofen completely because the interaction between the tablet, ibuprofen and hydroxychloroquine can potentially cause a stomach bleed.  

I found this quote on good ol Pinterest and it’s such a brilliant description of how life can feel when you’re, well, medicated! 

Because I’m not having therapy alongside the medication, I know that I’m basically masking unresolved issues. I don’t feel sad like I used to, I do feel vacant though. It’s a very bizarre feeling to get used to. 

The tablets mean im nolonger ruminating about things I cannot change. This is such a weight off my shoulders. Before, I would literally go over and over the same worries and fears, stress myself out, cry and repeat EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

Here’s another image I found on Pinterest:

  Now, I don’t know if this quote is about antidepressants or addiction.  I can relate in some ways but I also feel that for me, I’m not trying to numb the pain, I’m trying to cope with it.

Physical pain vs emotional pain is such a complex subject. I’ve had the most severe physical pain any person could go through – countless times! but the feeling of heartbreak is in a totally different league. When you’re able to remove the giant burden of emotional pain, you’re left more able to manage the physical side of your illness.

I’ve found that citalopram has given me back some control. It’s also lessened my anxiety. I feel I’m able to process things a bit better, I feel stronger and more able to cope. However, it still feels like ‘Botox for the brain’, meaning I sometimes feel like I’m not responding to situations as I should. I also worry that I’ll be reliant on them forever.

As it stands, there is no cure for Lupus. I’ll most likey have this forever. They told me over 11 years ago that I had Lupus and I’m STILL coming to terms with it. I don’t think you can ever really receive news like that and go forward with clairity and acceptance. As long as you’re living a life that causes you sickness, aches, rashes, fatigue weakness, but most of all pain, there may be a time when you need more help than a friend, relative or doctor can offer. This is where I am. I’ve decided to continue with the pills for the foreseeable future and I consider it just another part of my daily medication. 

Thankyou so much for reading. I know depression is still quite a taboo subject  but it happens. If you’re finding life abnormally hard, please speak to someone. The GP is a good place to start. Lupus UK is also a great resource for everything Lupus!

The first part of this series is called “The Thing None Talks About” and can be found in the blog archives. 

XOXO

http://www.sickoflupus.co.uk

When It All Gets Too Much



http://www.sickoflupus.co.uk

Hiya! 

How are you? 

Sorry for the lack of blog posts recently but I’ve been really unwell. You know how it goes; you take your meds, you take it easy and you still end up collecting every ailment under the sun. 

I felt compelled to write today. I feel like I’ve used up all my chat allowances with family and friends but I still have so much weighing me down. (Insert steroid weight joke here)

In the previous post I wrote about my first session of Rituximab. I’ve since had my second and final (for now) and so it’s a case of waiting to see if it’s been successful. I’ll write about part 2 soon incase you fancy a read. 

Ok, with that out of the way, let me get into it…

For a really long time, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been watching life go by from the sidelines. At work, with friends and family and even alone, I’ve been feeling absent minded and like I’m in a permanent daze. My cognitive function is horrendous at the moment. I’m forgetting things and struggling to get sentences out without slurring. My mind just feels too tired to function.

I don’t think I’ve ever truly come to terms with my diagnosis and as I’m getting older, I’m struggling more and more with it. I feel numb most days and then out of the blue I’ll remember that this is my life. I’ll panic, spiral into low mood and have episodes of anxiety and then depression.

Since the chemotherapy, I’ve been more fatigued then usual. I’m completely useless within 4-6 hours of being awake. I’m also reminded that I need to rest and although it’s for my own good, it’s beginning to drive me crazy. 

I feel so empty at the moment and I’m genuinely watching the world pass me by. This is the scariest feeling ever and I know that most people with chronic illness feel the same way. It’s genuinely heartbreaking when you have to live within the prison of your illness, when others have the luxury of health and therefore freedom. When I describe it as heartbreaking, it physically aches to scroll through your Facebook or instagram and watch everyone simply ‘live’ and they don’t even know how much of a gift it is to not be held back by your own body. 

It’s extremely hard not to become consumed by negative feelings. I always have a smile on my face because none likes a Debbie downer (sorry to all the Debbie’s out there!) but more so to convince myself that things are ok. This facade is completely exhausting!  



I need to state that I have so much to be grateful for and I have a great deal of happiness in my life but the feelings I have towards my illness are starting to overshaddow the positive. 

Right now, all I can see ahead of me is a life that I never wanted. In my mind, I am still the hardworking, ambitious and motivated girl I was pre-diagnosis. Whereas in reality, there were days last month where I couldn’t feed or dress myself. I couldn’t even push the pain pills out of the blister pack! Isn’t that ironic?! I want so much more for my life and not for nothing, I bloody deserve a life where I exist on my own terms. We all do! 

Right now however, it’s out of my hands. Try as I might to live with optimism and a positive outlook, the Lupus monster is in total control. Im waking in pain which means Lupus (and Fibromyalgia) dictates the fate of my day before it’s even started. Trying not to feel depressed is like not being able to swim and trying not to drown. Almost impossible. 



With chronic illness, you have a lot of time to think. I may be wrong but I’d say you think about the past, present and future more than the average person. You think so much about how you used to be, you’re consumed with the right now and you worry about the future – how you’ll be and who you’ll be. 

Right now I’m desperately trying to get through this fog and find happiness in the things I used to. It’s easy to ruminate and though this solves nothing, there’s little else you can do. 

I’m sorry this post wasn’t an uplifting one but you probably guessed it wouldn’t be from the title! However, I hope that it’s been somewhat insightful whether you have Lupus or you know someone who does. 

Thanks so much for reading.

Til next time, XOXO

http://www.sickoflupus.co.uk