At Night.

At night, I’m not tired, even though I’m sleepy all day

At night, I spend hours just staring into space 

At night, I worry about tomorrow 

At night, I can’t get comfortable 

At night, I’m in agony 

Actually, at night I’m in insane, debilitating agony 

At night, I just lay there feeling lonely and afraid 

At night, when I fall asleep, I have frightening hallucinations 

At night, my sleep is always broken

At night, I wish I was somewhere else 

At night, I’m starving because I’m on steroids 

At night, my body seizes up and there’s nothing I can do about it 

At night, my mind won’t switch off

At night, I feel depressed

At night, I wish for a better tomorrow 



It’s been absolutely ages since I’ve posted anything. Truth is, I’m struggling and I  don’t know what to do. 

Pain is everything right now. I’m in pain when I’m awake and I can’t sleep because I’m in pain. I get home from work and sit in my car for 20 minutes because I can’t bring myself to make that walk to my door – even though it’s around 20 paces. 

I’m currently taking over 30 tablets a day and feeling like I’m just feeding myself poison whilst I sit and suffer.

Right now I’m feeling pretty low, even though I’m on antidepressants. They really do help but sometimes your feelings override the happy pills. I mentioned before that I was taking Citalopram but I’m now on Mirtazapine. I just felt that I had plateaued with Citalopram.

So here’s a breakdown of my health issues as of now:

  • Lupus
  • Fibromyalgia 
  • Arthritis 
  • Anxiety and depression 
  • Sleep apnea 
  • Recurring chest pains 
  • Bursitis in both shoulders 
  • Intercranial hypertension
  • Nocturnal hallucinations 

I can blame that shopping list of illness on my lack of blogging. I really hate using this platform to post negative things but it’s been hard to find anything positive to write about. As of now, I’m kinda just sitting back and watching everyone live life whilst I’m struggling to walk around my house! I wake up in horrific pain and this sets the tone for the day. It’s horrible and such a sad existence. If I’m unable to have someone with me, I rarely get to do anything. And I’m talking the most mundane things, like grocery shopping.

I’m hoping to begin another round of psychotherapy because I can’t really cope on antidepressants alone. I’m trying to be realistic but also hoping for a miracle! I feel that if I can tackle my mental health, maybe things will improve? A holiday would also be nice!

Well that’s all for now,

I hope you are all doing well and I hope I can get back to writing more regularly!