So this is a really short post because if I go into too much depth, it will quickly spiral into a dissertation about depression!
My question to you is, How often do you cry?
Today I woke up with my body feeling like it was being squeezed Inbetween a vise. I couldn’t motivate myself to get out of bed because the effort it would take to get my body out of bed was too much. The pain level also set the tone for the day ahead and so already I felt defeated. I could have cried. But I didn’t. I felt sad and frustrated but with moments like these, I rarely cry.
Now the quote in the picture might seem a tad dramatic, but crying is how people have always expressed feelings. It’s how we communicate pain wether physical or emotional. It’s considered a way to ‘let it out’ so that we can move on from an incident of pain or distress.
But what if a good cry doesn’t change a thing? What if after all the tears, you still feel a sense of hopelessness? I’d say this is where I am right now. I’ve been crying for a third of my life. About the same thing. (And contributing massively towards the sales of waterproof mascara!)
I’ve definitely just cried because I am me. I ALWAYS acknowledge the fact that someone somewhere has life 100% harder and with more problems that you can possibly imagine. However, when you’re in the midst of a depression, it’s hard to see past your problems.
My physical pain levels go up and down but actually, I don’t often cry in response to pain. I’ll verbally express how much I’m hurting but that’s about it. The last time I cried during a flare up of pain was on valentines day. Tendinitis and chest pain had been brewing all day and by the evening, I was practically completely immobile. I was alone and unable to even lift my arms. I cried due to the excruciating pain and the frustration over not being able to even push pain pills out of a blister packet. I also cried shortly after my first chemotherapy session because I was completely overwhelmed.
There are other things that warrant feelings of sadness. If like me you have problems with anxiety, you’re often on the cusp of tears. Normal situations can become really stressful and emotional. As for someone pointing out the things you’re doing badly/wrong, forget about it, pass the tissues.
I’m proud to be an emotional and compassionate person and can cry at a cartoon if it’s sad enough! (If you didn’t cry at the film ‘Up’, we can’t be friends) but these tears are so different to the ones that fall because I’m ill. The last time I really broke down was because I felt so trapped and overwhelmed by my health situation. I dealt with it by bringing my bedding onto the sofa and going to sleep.
Although tears don’t always change things, it’s my go-to when things get tough. I cry for other ‘Lupie’ fighters when I see their posts on Facebook. I cry when I hear that Lupus has taken yet another life. I cry for the things Lupus has taken away from me and also the things I fear I’ll lose in the future. But mostly, I cry because try as I might, the illness is bigger than me and is always the one in charge.
(Enter crying emoticon here: 😥)
Thank you for reading, hopefully I didn’t bore you to tears…