On The Cusp



It’s been a while so here I am with a new blogpost. I also wanted to say Thankyou to all of you who continue to check back on the archived posts, it’s amazing to see that people are still reading. 

This is a super quick, blogpost about what’s been occupying my mind a lot lately. It’s probably only a 90 second read but I wanted to share. 

Today I’m writing about how when you’re living with chronic illness, you often feel like you’re on the cusp of something happening – either a flare or a respite. 
I feel like I’ve been living in this limbo for around 6 weeks now and it’s the most frustrating thing! 
As I’ve mentioned before, I feel like I’ve taken control of my mental and emotional health since starting a course of antidepressants. It’s no secret, I’m not ashamed to say that I’m heavily reliant on citalopram because it’s literally given me my life back. However, my pain, fatigue and nocturnal psychois still plagues me daily. 
With my anxiety and depression currently under control, I’ve seen my life begin to change in ways that I didn’t anticipate. For the first time ever, I feel like I have direction and a clear focus regarding my career and where I want to go with it. I feel like a have solid plans, exciting goals and I have an amazing support system. However, I just can’t shake this feeling that something might go wrong. 

So what do you do with that? Do you keep going and hope that you don’t suffer a flare or do you place your life on hold, just incase? How do you balance listening to you body but also not letting lupus affect your life? 

This is something that definitely reminds me that lupus is real and lupus is serious. It’s the reason that I/we don’t lead a ‘normal’ life. We just don’t have the control that others take for granted. 

It’s the not knowing that bothers me so much. ‘Healthy’ people could argue that none can control things 100% but I don’t want to hear that response. Healthy people don’t have pain, fatigue, medication, disability or illness related anxiety to deal with on a daily basis. Most people don’t avoid making long term plans just incase they don’t feel well. They don’t have this mindset, they don’t live with such caution.

I’m going to have to get back to you about what this turns into. However, believe me, I will claw onto the little independence I have because I know a better life exists beyond my illness. 

Please leave your thoughts, comments and questions below or on the Sick of Lupus Facebook page. 

See you soon XOXO


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