The Lupus Awareness Month Diaries: Day 26

Good evening,
How are ya?

It’s early evening and this Sunday seems to have gone on forever.
The clocks have changed so it seems later but I don’t think that’s the only reason. Also, I think I’m getting a cold….I bloody hope not! As you at know, it’s much harder to fight infections with Lupus.

I feel really down at the moment, I feel like I’m breaking, bit by bit. My efforts in even the slightest thing no longer seem good enough, my judgements are all wrong, I’m clumsy and my mind is in a permanent ‘fog’. Does anyone get like this? I feel redundant most mornings and by lunch, it’s already a write off! It sucks to feel this way.

I really don’t know how to get through these horrible phases. I need a fairy godmother with a magic wand. And potentially a trip to Disneyland!

When you doubt the likelihood of things getting better, you’re robbed of enjoying the now because you are literally waiting for things to get worse. Gosh I really really hate feeling so negative but it’s very hard at the moment.

I’m lucky to have an amazing incentive to keep going. I’m going to NYC mid November to celebrate my 30th birthday. I’m so grateful that I’ll have the distraction of New York to forget the negative connotations that come with this milestone. It’s no secret that I’m dreading turning 30, simply because I didn’t ever get to enjoy my twenties. I have such a strange relationship with time and the concept of time. I genuinely feel 19 but my body feels aged and fragile.

I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life a good 10 years behind everyone else. I’m far behind in this adulthood game and I’m slowly coming to terms with that. When I hit 30, have no idea how I’ll feel. Perhaps I’ll surprise myself and find a hidden strength and determination. I really hope so.

At the moment, it feels like I’m on the slow climb to the top of a roller coaster. I’m picking up anxiety all the time and I’m laden with emotional baggage, physical pain and tiredness. I just feel on the cusp on something significant. No idea if it’s a good thing or a bad thing but I feel really uneasy about what’s ahead of me.

This my friends, is what a decade of chronic illness can do you you.

Til next time,

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