The Lupus Awareness Month Diaries: Day 23

http://www.sickoflupus.co.uk

Good evening,
Thanks so much for the feedback on yesterday’s blog via the Facebook group. Clearly weight and body image is a subject that hits home with a lot of us. I loved being to highlight the subject.

Today I slept in because I was still up at 2.30am, mind racing. I got up at about 11.30 ish! (Is that bad?) I tell myself it’s ok because I live alone and it’s what days off are for!

Two nights ago I had what I’d call a bit of a breakdown. Something small triggered it but it escalated and before I knew it, I was inconsolable. I cried for about 2 hours. It was that face burning, jaw aching crying where you didn’t realise you were capable of crying so much. I transferred all of my emotion via a phone call to my mum and then felt so guilty afterwards. In short, I was feeling overwhelmed and really hopeless. I expected this to happen as I approach my 30th birthday but I genuinely felt heartache for the girl living this life. 30 is a big milestone and I’m sure my friends will be thinking about their future plans and aspirations. It’s something that I find hard to come to terms with. The gap only seems to widen between my life and theirs as I get older and it becomes glaringly obvious how far behind I am. In my head, I’m 19 and the last 10 years have been a surreal dream that I’m dying to wake up from.

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I’ve heard people talk about mourning their past life and identity and I do think that people with chronic illness go through this process, without even knowing it. Many of us have lost so much and may be clinging on the life we had pre-illness.

None really talks about this part. Our medical appointments focus on the now, pushing us forward but I feel like I constantly keep one foot firmly in the past. Problem is, I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing?

Yesterday and today I’ve made the effort to try to ignore the negative feelings I’ve been having lately. Ruminating just makes my anxiety worse. At the same time, it’s so important to release the suppressed pain and anger that builds up when you constantly say to people, ‘I’m fine’.

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Today’s been pretty low-key and I’ve only ventured out to the shops with mum. I fell in love with a handbag and though blatantly out of my price range, I told myself that because I couldn’t decide between navy, green or brown, I’d leave it. As usual, I avoided the clothes as I was in no mood to be disappointed. (See last nights post) Strictly shoes and accessories only! I had to give in quite early though from aching and fatigue.

I’ve been home pretty much all day, thought I should rest because I’m still getting chest pains. I feel like I want to rest as apposed to being forced to rest and so that’s lifted my mood a bit.
It’s early but I’m ready to call it a night. I’m gonna choose a film and watch in bed until I drift off. That’s the plan anyway!

Til tomorrow,
X

http://www.sickoflupus.co.uk

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